I’m Proud of this One

I was nervous before this interview.

Natasha Helfer’s work sits right at the intersection of so much of what I write about in Latter-day Psychosis: religion, sexuality, shame, mental health, and learning to trust yourself again.

It felt aligned.

We talked about growing up Mormon and being afraid of my own body. I told her about the purity lesson that has stayed with me for more than twenty years: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich passed around a room full of teenage girls until it was crushed and falling apart, before we were asked who would want it now.

I was fourteen or fifteen. I hadn’t even held a boy’s hand. Somehow I still walked away feeling fragile and already ruined, simply for existing in my body.

We also talked about psychosis, alcoholism, eating disorder recovery, therapy, medication, AA, EMDR, creativity, and the long process of learning how to live inside my own life again.

Near the end, Natasha asked what it feels like to share such intimate parts of my life publicly.

I told her that I remember how alone I felt during so many of those years. If someone hears my story and feels a little less alone, then sharing it is worth the discomfort.

I also realized that someday, when I look back on my life, I don’t think I’ll regret telling the truth.

I think I would regret staying quiet.

When the interview ended, I felt proud.

I stayed present. I trusted my own story. And somehow, I even sweated less this time, which I am counting as professional growth.

If you’ve been following along as Latter-day Psychosis gets closer to publication, I’d really love for you to watch this conversation.

[Watch my conversation with Natasha Helfer here.]

Latter-day Psychosis releases November 17.